Excuse me while I get something off my chest....n true 'Honest Blogger Style' and afterwards I know that I am going to feel a whole lot better and think a little clearer.... So to my Blogging Buddies...I thank you for your support and patience. For everyone else....Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.....
I am having to look at, deal with and face up to something that has ruled my life. Something that makes me feel sick when I actually say the word never mind try to cope with it. I hate talking about it, yet it is a real worry for me and even more so since my husband died and I’m left supporting myself with no means of a backup or alternative plan. It’s all up to or down to me. Me, myself and I.
This particular thing also encroaches on other parts of my life, making it difficult to value myself and feel any self worth. Most of the time I’m in a state of ‘so what use am I?’ And the issue I have to tackle is?…. Money!
As regular readers of my blog will know, I am registered visually impaired and as such am virtually on the job scrap heap. Fine if you have a partner who earns money and you can be a stay at home mum/wife, but absolutely devastating if like me you are alone and even worse, the only thing you ever trained for was the passion in your life, that at best means the world to you and at worst is like a noose around your neck.
The tax credit system in the UK enables me to work and I actually gain an extra £10 a week making a total income of the grand princely sum of £92. This money has to pay all my household bills which are not any cheaper when you live alone. The Gas, Electric, water rates, TV Licence and telephone cost exactly the same, the only real thing I save on is food.
I still have to pay for birthdays, Christmas and everything else that comes my way. (Dread the thought that my cooker or washing machine breaks down!)
Added to that I have a studio. The reason I have it is that it gives me a sense of purpose, to get up and get dressed each day, otherwise to be honest I probably wouldn’t. Also when meeting clients it seems more professional to have a business address, trust me, clients think you should charge next to nothing if you work from home, I did it for 10 years! The studio comes at a price and added to the rent of the studio are business rates, telephone, yellow pages and the ever increasing electricity bill. Yes I am there by choice, but it may be a choice that will be taken out of my hands very soon, unless something changes dramatically!
I still have to pay for birthdays, Christmas and everything else that comes my way. (Dread the thought that my cooker or washing machine breaks down!)
Added to that I have a studio. The reason I have it is that it gives me a sense of purpose, to get up and get dressed each day, otherwise to be honest I probably wouldn’t. Also when meeting clients it seems more professional to have a business address, trust me, clients think you should charge next to nothing if you work from home, I did it for 10 years! The studio comes at a price and added to the rent of the studio are business rates, telephone, yellow pages and the ever increasing electricity bill. Yes I am there by choice, but it may be a choice that will be taken out of my hands very soon, unless something changes dramatically!
Now then back to my issue with money. Work is tight, VERY tight at the present time and to be honest I don’t know where this is going to lead. At the moment I give away more than I earn. I need to tackle the issue of not being able to charge people I know for the services and goods that I offer. Somehow it seems mean and lacks appreciation for the things they have done for me in the past, but this is a business I run and I really have to think more like a business woman…It’s do or die!
Here’s an example…I did a piece of work, lettering around a mount for an (can you believe this) for an ex’s mother. She then prattled on to me about how much money she owed and how destitute she was….blah. blah, blah….can I say that it’s been almost 4 years since I went out with the nutter and have had no contact with him since. No reflection on his mother though. But anyway, when she collected it she asked how much…my reaction…oh no….just take it! The result, she came to the studio a couple of weeks ago and gave me a ‘collectable’ ornament. I don’t need any more ornaments, I HATE dusting! And can’t see ornaments once they are more than a foot away! I need the money to pay my bills and keep me there! (She screams)
Every hour of every day the studio notches up costs. Small jobs come in while on their own seem very small and barely worth pricing. Those small jobs usually take more time to do ironically! Even so 1 or 2 jobs a week for the odd £10 or! 15 are not going to keep me open.
I’ve had to tackle yet another vomitty problem lately and that is one of Marketing and the marketing issue is probably worse than the money issue. I cannot get my head around marketing my own work and the reason…I don’t value myself! The long and the short of it. Because I feel like this I can’t do it. My self esteem is at rock bottom and my self worth is going just about the same way. I tackle so many things by myself these day, but this I cannot. My husband took his own life because he could not charge what he was worth (and others will back me up on this one). He was too kind, The bills would go unpaid because a little old lady wanted some chair flats done and had brought in some old curtains for him to use or a friend needed a favour returned and in his words ‘so how could I charge for that?’.
Others took advantage of his good nature. They made friends with him and as such got ‘mates rates’. I can’t tell you how I felt at his funeral when all those people turned up a lot of them shame faced and guilty. Too late then. His kindness got him nowhere and others took great advantage of a guy who would never say no.
The point of this post?….I find myself identifying with him so much these days and in the same situation!
I like to tell people I am not materialistic (and I do believe I’m not), I consider myself generous and will do anything I can to help anyone but now I have to get tough with myself and be paid what I am worth….getting others to pay it is another matter! I would rather give something away than feel like I am ripping people off, but 20 years of my life has been dedicated to the thing I love and as such has a value. If it’s that easy and you are shocked at the price artists charge….have a go yourself, and then you will see what you are paying for. This Pixie has to get tough. At the end of the day, it may loose me ‘friends’, but without a turnover of money I will loose the business.
Times are hard for us all, but I feel that by trying to help myself I’m actually creating more stress than I need. Perhaps it’s time to call it a day, put those pens away once and for all and stick to housework….now where is that duster???
Here’s an example…I did a piece of work, lettering around a mount for an (can you believe this) for an ex’s mother. She then prattled on to me about how much money she owed and how destitute she was….blah. blah, blah….can I say that it’s been almost 4 years since I went out with the nutter and have had no contact with him since. No reflection on his mother though. But anyway, when she collected it she asked how much…my reaction…oh no….just take it! The result, she came to the studio a couple of weeks ago and gave me a ‘collectable’ ornament. I don’t need any more ornaments, I HATE dusting! And can’t see ornaments once they are more than a foot away! I need the money to pay my bills and keep me there! (She screams)
Every hour of every day the studio notches up costs. Small jobs come in while on their own seem very small and barely worth pricing. Those small jobs usually take more time to do ironically! Even so 1 or 2 jobs a week for the odd £10 or! 15 are not going to keep me open.
I’ve had to tackle yet another vomitty problem lately and that is one of Marketing and the marketing issue is probably worse than the money issue. I cannot get my head around marketing my own work and the reason…I don’t value myself! The long and the short of it. Because I feel like this I can’t do it. My self esteem is at rock bottom and my self worth is going just about the same way. I tackle so many things by myself these day, but this I cannot. My husband took his own life because he could not charge what he was worth (and others will back me up on this one). He was too kind, The bills would go unpaid because a little old lady wanted some chair flats done and had brought in some old curtains for him to use or a friend needed a favour returned and in his words ‘so how could I charge for that?’.
Others took advantage of his good nature. They made friends with him and as such got ‘mates rates’. I can’t tell you how I felt at his funeral when all those people turned up a lot of them shame faced and guilty. Too late then. His kindness got him nowhere and others took great advantage of a guy who would never say no.
The point of this post?….I find myself identifying with him so much these days and in the same situation!
I like to tell people I am not materialistic (and I do believe I’m not), I consider myself generous and will do anything I can to help anyone but now I have to get tough with myself and be paid what I am worth….getting others to pay it is another matter! I would rather give something away than feel like I am ripping people off, but 20 years of my life has been dedicated to the thing I love and as such has a value. If it’s that easy and you are shocked at the price artists charge….have a go yourself, and then you will see what you are paying for. This Pixie has to get tough. At the end of the day, it may loose me ‘friends’, but without a turnover of money I will loose the business.
Times are hard for us all, but I feel that by trying to help myself I’m actually creating more stress than I need. Perhaps it’s time to call it a day, put those pens away once and for all and stick to housework….now where is that duster???
Thank you for listening...talking really DOES HELP!
Note added later and post re-edited - To my friends, I am not depressed or suicidal! just need to get something off my chestI remeber reading something that others having the same problems may like to take a look at http://www.fluentself.com/blog/biggification/marketing-and-other-vomit-ey-stuff/
1 comment:
Sue - it's me - Janine(Keith) xxxxx my no is 07875 366014 .......text me and i will ring you back xxxxxxxxxcan't believe i found you on here (through fairysteps) - Ren made me some pixie boots :)
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